Zenju Earthlyn Manuel, "Through the Fire to Liberated Tenderness: Awakening Through Race, Sexuality, and Gender"

[friends, i found this interview so deeply moving, i decided to sit down and take notes. i apologize for any misquotes or misunderstandings that may have slipped in. please refer to the audio and transcript for details. "i" in the notes refers to direct statements from zenju. thank you, zenju, for sharing these powerful insights. they are helping tremendously as i process my experience in the past 2 months in korea and india.]

race sexuality gender are gateways to enlightenment, peace, harmony

dry wisdom alone is not enough to heal wounds of those who’ve been marginalized

an effective practice must include tenderness where conventional reality and emptiness intersect

oneness is not sameness

recognize both differences and unity

diff degrees of tenderness—complete/liberated tenderness

must understand one’s own embodiment

our embodiment is the fire we need

we come to the gateway looking for water but instead find fire

they are gifts but not always embraced as such

eg race brings up injury, anger, fear, worry

internalized avoidance/treason—turning away from self and the feelings

dream of being burnt, but not dying—became a fire that sustains, not destroys

race is troubling, and that is exactly where the work is in easing suffering in world and in self

some say “these things aren’t spiritual, I don’t want to go there” but opp is true

“we are all one”—that is true ultimately, and that is not where we suffer

we don’t have to make oneness happen or work on it, it already exists

the fire of race etc is part of oneness—what we must go through

the fire is the hurting, troubling, blinding place

eg sangha of white male hetero place

discomfort, exclusion

“now that you’re here, let’s talk about race”

rage is something always carried, from trauma, can be reactivated

anger is over an incident

fire is to stay put in that hot place

why stay? called to the teachings

who is holding the teachings is not as important as the lessons needed

what can I learn about myself within the container of dharma?

interpret dharma through one’s own lived experience—not the teacher’s

eg how do the 4 noble truths relate to my life and the recent murder in my neighborhood? what does that mean to me?

path of dharma is most fiery

how do I respond to the chaos and racism? how do I apply the teachings to my life?

stripping down of values and beliefs

expand in ways that I’m initially unwilling

become exposed to myself

-       meanwhile maybe exposed to others, but that’s not where the learning is going to come—only through exposure to myself

racial stratification within poc places created by our society

there’s still a fire there

afric amer came through slavery—a potent path that continues to permeate society

if we ignore it, not use it as fire to transform our lives, it will continue to be that thing we fear—the fire at the door that keeps us trapped

I get burned but I can still live through it

must truly desire to be liberated and whole

I didn’t expect to be welcomed—I knew what I was looking for—not sangha but dharma

assume from silence that I’m just fine

many racist incidents—most times I sit w the teachings and ask how they relate to what I’m feeling now

not ready to address the collective bc I need to do my own healing and own liberation work

a distraction from what I need to learn

someone else’s perspective/institutional perspective

where do I want to be? vs where someone else/sangha wants me to be—a dance

instead of answering from a place of hurt and confusion, now I have some answers

taking on work you are not ready for is like being in bed with someone you hate—I would rather leave and do something else

it’s not my work to turn the titanic of institional racism around by myself

I knew I had something to offer but did not know what yet—for all who are yearning for spiritual path while embodied in ways that are marginalized

there’s something going on that makes us suffer and afraid of each other

being connected to the earth, so that when hurt happens, I have earth beneath my feet, or when groundless, can fall on my knees onto earth

zenju = complete tenderness

an essence to work on

at first, raw and wounded space that could be paralyzing, depression

long sitting is cooking process, wearing down process—softness and gentleness emerge, vulnerable, not able to do anything about anything, no action

-       a soft place, wordless, silent, just there, but no longer paralyzed

3^rd phase—liberated tenderness, can hold the hurts, also soft, but able to act and speak—a freedom in how you live and speak

know how to use them as gateways to next step

not to go from tenderness to armor—toughness, stiff spine

as we get pushed to the mat (judo)—we still get up—that is liberated judo

these cycles repeat, not linear, spiritual is circular

water and fire come together in liberated tenderness to create earth

walking w ancestors

fire is where we start, then 2^nd phase of tenderness is water

at water we are motionless, looking at waves—water opens us to feelings

come together to create earth, where we plant our feet

free of projections of superiority and inferiority—causes fear of each other

need to change csns—eg affirmatv action did not change csns

how do we change csns betw us so we can achieve oneness without keeping someone silent about race/sexuality/gender

not to write the “same thing” re r/s/g, bc it’s already done

is the dharma applicable to this life I am experiencing?

otherwise, must go outside the path to find teachings on r/s/g

teachings within the path are all about oneness and emptiness

we have the magnificent gift of being born with a body as part of nature

we will miss the whole existence in this moment if we don’t address issues of this embodiment

there’s no diploma on this path

we are all apprenticing in this life

we can stop being holy

there is perfection in all the imperfection

take it in—our own projections of infer and superiority—notice

buddha nature/true nature/magnificence of life/being as expansive as the ocean and as high as the tree—still present in someone I cannot have a direct experience with

pure emotion is at the ctr of the encounter—can feel it but not make it center stage, but not off stage either

we need to ignite each other in fire to get to the water together—like turning a car on

we keep running away from the fire

buddha nature—you are the apple tree, but the tree doesn’t have emotions and doesn’t withold

-       this doesn’t mean you don’t have any apples to give

but I don’t get rid of my feelings—I hold it as I explore buddha nature

each encounter is a chance to ignite

sometimes the car ignition gets turned on, then turned off bc I don’t need to go on that journey

eventually that fire doesn’t get ignited—go into remission, then maybe come back later

mark nepo—the rejuvenating fire, destructive fire, and a hand that reaches out to help us through the fire

-       we don’t always take the hand or we burn it, bc we don’t trust it

-       the hand is our buddha nature, our Self

perfect and imperfect—“nothing to do about it” is inaccurate

-       we are afraid of this teaching

difficult to say I’m going to be activist and follow path of dharma—we speak about fixing things and working in opposition, then go meditate about it

-       but not integral, bc haven’t brought the teaching in the opposition

-       can we trust that what we are doing impacts how we exist

must sew personal robe—can focus on bad stitches, or accept imperfections

collective representation of liberation

what are we going to do in the crucial moments that we cannot fix? eventually death is ultimate crucial moment

-       it’s perfect and imperfect in one moment

I trust my spiritual response to the human condition bc I have seen it work in my life and others—I trust this energy

-       many others do not trust this—instead they trust their agendas and methods

-       activist work needs to be done—but if we are getting dogmatic and enraged, we are going too far into god-like position—exhausting ourselves

-       go out and do, then come back and rejuvenate, then go out again

we have power as living beings—as much as the caterpillar than transforms into butterfly

inside of us is 98.6 °--lots of heat—use it to awaken us

we also have a lot of water and earth—acknowledge all of that even in our protesting

-       then we will have a whole protest and a whole spiritual path—it comes together

-       we don’t necessarily not do nor do

I did not take action as expected but I spoke as I needed to, not as expected to

when people don’t feel well they want others to join—I didn’t feel well but this was not what it would take to get well

by not acknowledging unacceptable differences we unwittingly exaggerate difference until it screams out

-       eg rap emerging out of spoken word, murder emerging out of injustice

-       in our sanghas there is screaming but we’re not supposed to acknowledge—it’s all repressed, then comes out another way

as a society we are in a raw, tender palce

can we call it out in a way that it goes directly into the heart, soul, not a mind/word/syntax game

living w chronic pain—body is screaming

I am teaching through my body instead of through just mind and experiences

when struggling in one facet, struggling all around—interconnection

fear of fully taking on gifts I’ve come into the world with—bringing medicine

there is something in my body I am rejecting

journey of aging, spiritual path of embodiment is next challenge

this leg of journey purely embodied self without the titles and names

there is no name for what I’m becoming

what I’m becoming is not really anything—it is a dying away

it’s frightening—the horizon is short

grieving and joy

want to say less and model more