Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Building and Expanding and Embracing: Thoughts on Relationships


for Kai and Malachi on the occasion of their marriage, 17 February 2019

Beloved Kai and Malachi,

I hope you will receive my words, then do with them as you wish. As a mother, a wife of many years, and one who has experienced close friendships and partnerships, I feel I have much to share. My advice is not pithy nor simple and will not fit on a card or in a guestbook. Neither is it glossy, easy, nor romantic.

Like many others, I cried at your beautiful commitment ceremony of marriage. What are those tears about? It’s welcoming y’all into the “club,” the sacrament, the covenant. It’s the oxytocin rush of witnessing your tenderness with each other and with all of us. It’s the joy and relief of seeing you in partnership, committing to holding each other up and supporting each other no matter what. It’s celebrating the beautiful family y’all have already started, the luminous Coco Malie, and the beauty of joining with the Leong ohana. It’s a reconnection, for me, of my island roots in Hawai’i.

If I keep pondering, the tears at your wedding are also acknowledging the bittersweetness and struggle of long-term relationship, and knowing I cannot protect either of you from them. In fact the complexity of the commitment is what lends it beauty, meaning, and the tremendous growth each of you will experience over the decades, if you are willing.

What each of us brings to any committed relationship are both our best and worst selves. The degree to which we are willing to self-examine and self-assess is the degree to which the relationship will thrive, or not. Your partner becomes a mirror. As we are falling in love, they reflect back to us all that is wondrous and good about ourselves. They make us feel so good and bring out the best version of ourselves. Over time, they begin to reflect back to us all that is messy, unresolved, and wounded within ourselves. We don’t like how they make us feel and who we are when we are with them.

May this feeling be a call for self-reflection, self-care, and healing. We are all the walking wounded. As people of color, we carry the wounds of colonization and white supremacy/white degeneracy. White folks are not exempt from these wounds, as perpetrators, witting or unwitting. The injustice of having benefitted from racism also weighs heavily on white people. All Americans carry the burden and wounds of genocide committed on the indigenous people, as well as the wounds of 400 years of chattel slavery. These wounds may not be conscious, but if we genuinely open our hearts and minds, and take the time to educate ourselves, we can begin to recognize these wounds, and perhaps begin to heal them.

The collective suffering of our people and our nation cannot help but infiltrate and influence our intimate relationships. Speaking for myself, my internalized racism and generations of colonization as a Korean resulted in my allowing myself to feel like a second class citizen, even in my marriage. I had to step away from my marriage in order to heal.

I know this was very difficult and painful for you, Malachi, but I hope over time, it is understandable, forgivable, and that you can agree with me that it was all for the best. Out of this challenging marriage came three brilliant adult children, who embody the contradictions of love, and possiblities of reparations.

So, all that said, here are my recommendations for y’all to create a beautiful, lifelong relationship:

1.     Self-reflect: Avoid projecting and blaming. Take responsibility, without self-flagellation. Each day is an opportunity to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings. The degree to which you can forgive yourself is the degree to which you can forgive others. Why not assume that each person is doing their absolute best at any given moment? Of course, we will each fall short. Be gentle with one another for their shortcomings. Our shortcomings are what make us each fully human, complex, mysterious, and thus more beautiful.

2.     Protect each others’ hearts: Be vulnerable with each other and trust that they will respond with compassion and care. Instead of lashing out with anger or blame, share your wounds, and allow the entire spectrum of human emotion to flourish. Practice being emotionally honest. Be quick to ask for help from family, friends, and professionals as needed. If you are on a path of growth, it’s healthy to seek outside counsel from time to time, whether it’s a spiritual teacher, a relative, a mentor, or a psychotherapist. Make each other’s healing a priority, and remember, PEOPLE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THINGS.

3.     Give each other space:“S/he’s in the shower!”: that is, they are still in the process of growing and becoming. Why yell at someone for being dirty when they are in the shower, washing themselves up? Let them take the time to fully clean up. After they come out of the shower, you might say, “Oh look, you missed a spot. Since it’s so hard to reach, shall I help you scrub it?” They might say yes, they might say no. Don’t take it personally either way. Everyone needs to progress in their own ways at their own pace. Also each person needs their own friendships, relationships, and activities outside marriage. No one person can or should try to entirely meet another’s emotional, spiritual, and artistic needs. Never expect another person to make you happy or fulfilled. That is up to you.

4.     Side by side, not face to face: I believe the most successful partnerships are ones where equally powerful beings stand shoulder to shoulder, working together, looking outward together. It’s not about being totally face to face, focused only on each other and expecting the other to devote themselves to you and fulfill your needs. It’s a matter of shared values, and perhaps shared projects. For many years, the shared projects will be raising your children. After that, if you have each done your inner work and partner work, you will have other shared projects. Hopefully you will not distract yourselves with materialistic indulgence, but rather with meaningful and purposeful activities that are healing and long-lasting, not only for yourselves, but for your people and communities.

5.     Call out, call in: Along with all the above practices, be willing to be called out, when your blind spots show up. Do your best to respond with, “I hear you. Let me think about it,” instead of getting defensive. No need to hash it out right then and there. Take your time. At the same time, do not accept put-downs, name-calling, gaslighting, and other forms of abuse. Vow to not stoop to that level. When you feel yourself and the situation you are in escalating, step back, step out, or whatever you need to do to de-escalate.

6.     Equity, not equality: Recognize the power structures that permeate your marriage. It is not exempt from racism, colorism, sexism, misogyny, toxic masculinity, classism, colonization, etc. Learn to recognize these systemic oppressions. Women’s rights are not the same as men’s rights. Do not try to treat everyone the same. Not everyone has experienced the same traumas and abuses, whether individually or intergenerationally. Let the marriage be “liberated territory.” Create the world you want to live in through your marriage and family.

7.     Something larger than yourselves: At our most difficult moments, may we all remember that we are but specks in the universe, and “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.” Everything is impermanent except God. When our problems seem big, may we gently remind each other to step back and take the longer view. It helps to be connected to the larger community as well as to the natural world, and not limit ourselves to our immediate surroundings.

I’m sure I’ll think of other things later, and that y’all will have things to add as well.

I love you both unconditionally and support you both unconditionally. I am here for y’all and your family. I am so grateful for everything y’all have already taught me. I look forward to growing together over the years.

much love,
mom