Thanksgrieving

 
THANKSGRIEVING

i am just beginning to dip my toes
into the ocean of grief
my parents tried to protect me from

no longer here to shield me
no children i have to tend
i peer into the waters
and begin to wade in

mmmmm, with cross-lateral arm strokes
forward and back
the water is ice-cold
but underground springs spurt volcanic hot currents

this is the suffering i have put aside
in order to proceed
chopping wood, carrying water
ever mouths to feed
gas tanks to fill
compost to turn over

i have listened to your stories of suffering
and held them in my body
believing they took precedence over mine
as if grief is finite
i used up my quota of grief on others

but now
waking from sleep
or chopping vegetables
or humming on my exhales
my own ancestors peek through
lifting the curtain to enter

true grief is abundant
wraps around us like river currents
grief begets more grief
like rivers flow into oceans
and oceans flow into other oceans

grief tenderizes rage
keeps me on my knees

healing has become commoditized
sold to the highest bidder
as if reparations can satiate my grief
as if the brittleness of justice is adequate

give me the temporality of justice and repair
but let me stay here
in my ocean of grief
knowing it will never be commercialized
nor subjected to the ravages of capitalism

grief is an elder to healing
we cannot heal until we have wept each other’s tears
i absorb your grief and mine
like the wetland absorbs the hurricane
like the willow tree flails and dances through the storm

no one has exclusive rights
or a trademark for grief
no one queues for grief
all our ancestors call through the ether
in many tongues that i have come to understand

may it wash over me
may it flow through me
may we weep oceans
may we bathe ourselves in one another’s grief
and hold each other with tenderness