Monday, August 29, 2011

as it is

reflections on a vipassana 10-day intensive

imaginary facebook status update:
work out the terms of your own damned salvation
save yourself from your own misery

i wake up to 4am bell and walk out to dome of stars
every morning the moon is in a different place in the sky

WPEG radio
all peggy all the time
full slate of programming from gospel music to sutra chants to call-in talk shows
over days the volume diminishes

day 5: is this what silence sounds like?
as soon as the thought materializes the silence is gone

goenka's gravelly voice
anitya
anitya
anitya
changing
changing
changing

he instructs me even in my sleep
in equanimous dreams

no keys phones pens notebooks money ID to carry around
how do we know who we are?
we cling to our water bottles
eager to make fetishes out of anything
guzzle water and burp through 1-hour sittings

adhitthana
1-hour sittings of strong determination
don't open legs or hands or eyes
my body eager for drama churns in empty-stomached digestion and hyperventilation
the dhamma hall full of sneezing and burping and the occasional fart

this too shall pass

avarice and addiction come out at lunch
food our only comfort
we weep in silent appreciation on day 8 when warm chocolate chip cookies are presented
just when we thought we were over our cravings

confession: breaking my vow to abstain from killing any being i swat 4 mosquitos over the 10 days
still trying to practice indifference
in adhitthana i feel one land on my neck
feel the sting and itching
then forget about it

sensation
respiration
respiration
sensation
anitya
anitya
anitya

every thought every emotion
manifests somewhere as a sensation
can i feel it?
where does it arise?
watch it come up and disappear
sensations arise to vanish
between sittings i watch bubbles come up through the algae in the pond
then pop

stop your ego-dependent psychoanalysis
the incessant inner narration
come back to sensation
come back to the body
only the body contains the truth
the body itself the healer

bring out your dead
a la monty python
i clean out all my closets and coffins
let it all pass

5 comments:

amybebeme said...

I really loved this

amybebeme said...

I keep thinking about this:
every thought every emotion
manifests somewhere as a sensation
can i feel it?
where does it arise?
watch it come up and disappear
sensations arise to vanish
between sittings i watch bubbles come up through the algae in the pond
then pop


Beautiful and true

O said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
O said...

"we weep in silent appreciation on day 8 when warm chocolate chip cookies are presented
just when we thought we were over our cravings"

three plates in succession of warm cookies. haha

janelicious said...

The ahimsa challenge remains, yet the form it takes matters. We maybe all agree, mosquitoes don't equal mankind, and question? is the quest to grow peace outward or inward?