for Kai and Malachi on the occasion of their marriage, 17
February 2019
Beloved Kai and Malachi,
I hope you will receive my words, then do with them as you
wish. As a mother, a wife of many years, and one who has experienced close
friendships and partnerships, I feel I have much to share. My advice is not
pithy nor simple and will not fit on a card or in a guestbook. Neither is it
glossy, easy, nor romantic.
Like many others, I cried at your beautiful commitment ceremony
of marriage. What are those tears about? It’s welcoming y’all into the “club,”
the sacrament, the covenant. It’s the oxytocin rush of witnessing your
tenderness with each other and with all of us. It’s the joy and relief of
seeing you in partnership, committing to holding each other up and supporting
each other no matter what. It’s celebrating the beautiful family y’all have
already started, the luminous Coco Malie, and the beauty of joining with the
Leong ohana. It’s a reconnection, for me, of my island roots in Hawai’i.
If I keep pondering, the tears at your wedding are also
acknowledging the bittersweetness and struggle of long-term relationship, and
knowing I cannot protect either of you from them. In fact the complexity of the
commitment is what lends it beauty, meaning, and the tremendous growth each of
you will experience over the decades, if you are willing.
What each of us brings to any committed relationship are
both our best and worst selves. The degree to which we are willing to
self-examine and self-assess is the degree to which the relationship will
thrive, or not. Your partner becomes a mirror. As we are falling in love, they
reflect back to us all that is wondrous and good about ourselves. They make us
feel so good and bring out the best version of ourselves. Over time, they begin
to reflect back to us all that is messy, unresolved, and wounded within
ourselves. We don’t like how they make us feel and who we are when we are with
them.
May this feeling be a call for self-reflection, self-care,
and healing. We are all the walking wounded. As people of color, we carry the
wounds of colonization and white supremacy/white degeneracy. White folks are
not exempt from these wounds, as perpetrators, witting or unwitting. The injustice
of having benefitted from racism also weighs heavily on white people. All
Americans carry the burden and wounds of genocide committed on the indigenous
people, as well as the wounds of 400 years of chattel slavery. These wounds may
not be conscious, but if we genuinely open our hearts and minds, and take the
time to educate ourselves, we can begin to recognize these wounds, and perhaps
begin to heal them.
The collective suffering of our people and our nation cannot
help but infiltrate and influence our intimate relationships. Speaking for
myself, my internalized racism and generations of colonization as a Korean
resulted in my allowing myself to feel like a second class citizen, even in my
marriage. I had to step away from my marriage in order to heal.
I know this was very difficult and painful for you, Malachi,
but I hope over time, it is understandable, forgivable, and that you can agree
with me that it was all for the best. Out of this challenging marriage came
three brilliant adult children, who embody the contradictions of love, and
possiblities of reparations.
So, all that said, here are my recommendations for y’all to
create a beautiful, lifelong relationship:
1.
Self-reflect: Avoid projecting and blaming. Take
responsibility, without self-flagellation. Each day is an opportunity to
forgive ourselves for our shortcomings. The degree to which you can forgive
yourself is the degree to which you can forgive others. Why not assume that
each person is doing their absolute best at any given moment? Of course, we
will each fall short. Be gentle with one another for their shortcomings. Our
shortcomings are what make us each fully human, complex, mysterious, and thus
more beautiful.
2.
Protect each others’ hearts: Be vulnerable with
each other and trust that they will respond with compassion and care. Instead
of lashing out with anger or blame, share your wounds, and allow the entire
spectrum of human emotion to flourish. Practice being emotionally honest. Be
quick to ask for help from family, friends, and professionals as needed. If you
are on a path of growth, it’s healthy to seek outside counsel from time to
time, whether it’s a spiritual teacher, a relative, a mentor, or a
psychotherapist. Make each other’s healing a priority, and remember, PEOPLE ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN THINGS.
3.
Give each other space:“S/he’s in the shower!”:
that is, they are still in the process of growing and becoming. Why yell at
someone for being dirty when they are in the shower, washing themselves up? Let
them take the time to fully clean up. After they come out of the shower, you
might say, “Oh look, you missed a spot. Since it’s so hard to reach, shall I
help you scrub it?” They might say yes, they might say no. Don’t take it
personally either way. Everyone needs to progress in their own ways at their
own pace. Also each person needs their own friendships, relationships, and
activities outside marriage. No one person can or should try to entirely meet
another’s emotional, spiritual, and artistic needs. Never expect another person
to make you happy or fulfilled. That is up to you.
4.
Side by side, not face to face: I believe the
most successful partnerships are ones where equally powerful beings stand
shoulder to shoulder, working together, looking outward together. It’s not
about being totally face to face, focused only on each other and expecting the
other to devote themselves to you and fulfill your needs. It’s a matter of
shared values, and perhaps shared projects. For many years, the shared projects
will be raising your children. After that, if you have each done your inner
work and partner work, you will have other shared projects. Hopefully you will
not distract yourselves with materialistic indulgence, but rather with
meaningful and purposeful activities that are healing and long-lasting, not
only for yourselves, but for your people and communities.
5.
Call out, call in: Along with all the above
practices, be willing to be called out, when your blind spots show up. Do your
best to respond with, “I hear you. Let me think about it,” instead of getting
defensive. No need to hash it out right then and there. Take your time. At the
same time, do not accept put-downs, name-calling, gaslighting, and other forms
of abuse. Vow to not stoop to that level. When you feel yourself and the situation
you are in escalating, step back, step out, or whatever you need to do to
de-escalate.
6.
Equity, not equality: Recognize the power
structures that permeate your marriage. It is not exempt from racism, colorism,
sexism, misogyny, toxic masculinity, classism, colonization, etc. Learn to
recognize these systemic oppressions. Women’s rights are not the same as men’s
rights. Do not try to treat everyone the same. Not everyone has experienced the
same traumas and abuses, whether individually or intergenerationally. Let the
marriage be “liberated territory.” Create the world you want to live in through
your marriage and family.
7.
Something larger than yourselves: At our most
difficult moments, may we all remember that we are but specks in the universe,
and “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.” Everything is impermanent except God. When our
problems seem big, may we gently remind each other to step back and take the
longer view. It helps to be connected to the larger community as well as to the
natural world, and not limit ourselves to our immediate surroundings.
I’m sure I’ll think of other things later, and that y’all
will have things to add as well.
I love you both unconditionally and support you both unconditionally.
I am here for y’all and your family. I am so grateful for everything y’all have
already taught me. I look forward to growing together over the years.
much love,
mom
