I
send out tentative shoots
that
are doomed to fail
like
the cherry tree we planted last spring
mowed
down by fall
I
say it wrong
wear
it crooked
glasses
askew
old
and farty
at
least a decade behind every trend
I
embarrass myself
before
youngsters half my age
I
don’t tweet
or
snapchat
or
whatever the fuck is the latest app
I
am more than halfway
through
this fragile burst of a life
not
even middle aged
but
hurtling headlong to elderhood
at
an age when I should be securing my nest egg
tenured
and well-insured
at
the top of my game
I
rub it all out and start from scratch
I
save nothing and press restart
I
slash and burn
and
cut down the safety net
spiral
closer to the sun
to
get burned each time
the
moment of mastery
is
the call to deconstruct
comfort
is the signal
to
stretch for the growth edge
I
fly to the other side of the world
to
sleep on the floor
in
another language
I
find ever new ways
to
mortify myself
I
move myself to detroit
to
breathe incinerated air
and
wake to watchdogs barking on cold nights
I
move my ass every 6 months or so
each
time shedding another layer of accumulation
who
knew it would all be so useless?
all
that learning?
all
those books?
what
are you trying to prove?
says
my incredulous ex
what
drives you
toward
extreme vulnerability?
ask
same-age friends
from
the safety of their long-time homes
so
many incarnations in this single lifetime
I
quake and glow in the glory of my foolishness
