Cultivating Sattva

 I was born pitta, pitta, pitta. I came out kicking and screaming, and continued for decades. My parents shook their heads as they talked about the calmness of their two boys being disrupted when I was born. I had temper tantrums until age 7 or so. About what? In retrospect, I discern that my early childhood self sensed that something was really off in the world, but had no vocabulary, understanding, or context for that dissatisfaction. Some part of me just knew shit was fucked up and I had to speak out and do something about it!

But in the past few years, that pitta energy has shifted to more vata, as I've learned is typical in post-menopause. Gradually my body has become less dense and muscular, I can no longer claim to be the hungriest person in the room as my metabolism drastically slows, and I am learning, finally, bit by bit, to cultivate sattva in my mind and body.

I no longer thrive on intense, ongoing action. I seek places and periods of calmness. Instead of FOMO, I celebrate JOMO--joy of missing out. At age 60, I increasingly seek opportunities to bring along the younger generations, and pass everything I've gathered and learned onto them. I don't crave fame, attention, and stardom, and I don't feel the need to be in charge.

I started to notice these new tendencies this week, approaching classes at RIMYI. In past visits, I strove to extract every possible drop of learning from my brief time. I took copious notes, observed classes, assisted in the medical classes, spent time studying in the library, and everything else I could muster. This time, however, I had to come to terms with myself, and make the decision to step back, just a little.

My nervous system felt overwhelmed and rattled by the medical classes, which in past years, I would have jumped into with all four limbs. I found myself wanting to tuck into a corner like a tortoise. Not only was there, as Guruji described it, the "fish market" energy and chaos of so many students with so many different medical conditions, but also the straining of the visiting younger teachers to see, learn, and assist as much as possible. 

At first I berated myself for not putting myself out there and lending a hand. Why should I hold back? But that evening, I spent some time in self-reflection. On one hand, I owe it to my communities in Hawai`i, Detroit, and Korea, to assert myself, and extract as much learning as possible. Conceivably I even had some experience and insights that might be useful to the students here.

On the other hand, my body, especially my nervous system, was communicating to me to take it easy. The past nine months have been exhausting and incredibly stressful, given global conditions, especially in Palestine. I've been involved in the Palestinian rights struggle for years, and intensified my involvement since October 2023. This work can be incredibly frustrating and infuriating, and the heartbreak unrelenting. However, the struggle can also be uplifting and inspiring. I've met some incredible souls and powerful organizers, especially in the Hawaiian sovereignty and anti-militarism movements.

Devoting a month of study in India offered a necessary respite from this intensity. Not that I've totally backed off--I still start off each day with updates from Al Jazeera and Democracy Now, and finish each day with Palestinian films, interviews, and webinars. But for just a few weeks I've stepped back from the daily intensity of organizing campaigns and events, attending public hearings, sending emails, and making phone calls.

My body gave me permission to rest, instead of assist in the medical classes: It's ok, you don't have to save everyone. You're not indispensable. You don't have to do everything. I realized this is an opportunity to cultivate sattva--clarity, lightness, translucence--instead of continually building rajas as I've done in the past. Today on the way home from practice, I sat on a park bench, peeled a tangerine, and snacked on dhokla. I'm building aloha `āina with the trees here. I watch them and they watch me. I go home, eat a simple lunch, and take a nap. It's enough. In fact, it's plenty. I feel a quiet sense of santosha and deep, deep joy and gratitude, simply for this embodiment in this place and time. I feel tremendous love for my teachers and the profundity of the practice. May I regain fortitude, build patience and endurance, and continually expand my capacity for compassion. May I cultivate sattva, so I can be fully present with my people, with a soft heart and open mind.